" Just a few days
back my friends at the dna paper called upon me to write a monthly column for
their newspaper. A Common perception about actors is that they are incompetent
at everything other than acting (and some are supposedly incompetent at that too. We aren’t
exactly meant to have other interests (well, except of the controversial kind)
but as it happens, I do. I like to write.
Of late I have spent time on twitter like we all do
and on the internet in general. The combined pressure of 140 alphabet limit and
reading new words like ‘Twerking’ (described aptly by someone on the net as
‘masquerading an ass seizure as dancing’), has made me believe that I could
contribute to the all round well being of the society with my writings also.
What actually convinced me was, that if Hashtags #
(a sign we earlier used for cuss words), can convey emotions, then my words on
paper can also seem like pearls of wisdom and its about time my smart, genius
side became public. So I decided to grab the axe and hack my foot myself by
entering into 12 such potentially earth shattering observations of the world
around me.
I have thus come up with the “brilliant” and
“original” idea of writing about the 12 Sun Signs. But wait...This isn’t your
usual weekly or daily astro prediction column. That is best left to Mr. Bejan
Daruwala, Marjorie Orr or Linda Goodman. I just think it’s a good place to
start. 12 Columns, 12 Sun Signs, 12 traits I can write about. So I will pick
the traits of these 12 Sun Signs and choose one that stands out the most then
I’ll write around it. I’ll write my personal experience, my point of view or
just something I see happening around me. Confused. Ok, read on.
This month we begin with Libra.
Librans are known for balance and harmony. The word
balance tends to convey stillness, but oddly I look at balance as something
that we need in life to keep things moving. It’s something that we all have to
do...everyone from a tightrope walker to an accountant requires balance. An
accountant has to balance debit with credit, while a star has to balance a
public life with a private life. Most people have to balance lies and truth, or
right and wrong. In my years of experience, one of the most intriguing balances
I have had to find is that between Science and Superstition.
In India we are intrinsically tied to Superstition.
It’s a natural nuance of our lives. I am a science student (over 90 percent in
Electronics if I may add). This does not mean that I can open up a piece of
electronic equipment and put it back together again. On that front I am like
everybody else in the world: left holding one little ‘gizmoic’ part of the
equipment, scratching my head, wondering, “where was this supposed to fit?” but
more about this in another column.
Being of a scientific bent of mind, I always take
the scientific course of action. If a part of my body is disintegrating or
broke, I am more than willing to change it at the hands of an expert, namely a
Surgeon. I have had eight such removals and implants done over the course of 20
years.
Thankfully, so far, no surgeon has come to me post
operation and quizzed, “Eh, SRK I have this little piece of green spleen
left-over from last night’s procedure, can you tell me if it belongs to you or
then it could be bed number 42’s.”
So I am a believer of science and its many
benefits. Having said that, I would still not go for a bungee jump or do a
skydive on Friday the 13th. Hashtag # Just Saying.
Some years ago I was faced with the balancing act
of weighing my scientific bent against superstition. One evening I got to know
my spine had a prolapsed disc and I had to go under the knife. It’s a big
surgery. It’s considered equivalent to a brain surgery (from which I might just
have benefitted more!) because it involves the spinal cord.
As it happens, it also proved to be one of the
grandest acts of equanimity I ended up engaging in.
Everybody began to foretell doom. They listed all
that could go wrong. They said I could be paralysed or rendered voiceless.
Thoughts raced in my own head as well. The doctors advised surgery as soon as
possible.
I was as scared as anyone might be at the thought
of their spine being tampered with so I gave a year to those who said they
could cure my prolapse through the prolapse of medical science.
Let me make it clear that I am not trying to
undermine people’s beliefs or superstitions. Different things work for
different people. If you believe in something then it works for you. A recent
study has proved that people who believe in superstition get the job done better
than those who don’t, so who are we to question the world of the unknown and
its unkown-ness.
To me it was just intriguing that there was such a
wonderful variety of cures and treatments on offer for a serious injury like
mine.
My family and friends all suggested different
treatments ranging from acupuncture to oil made from the sting of a scorpion. I
am proud to tell you that because of the deep desire to keep the ‘BALANCE’ (in
caps because that’s the topic) of things unperturbed I tried most of them.
What follows is an account of some of my escapades
and misadventures up to the final day of surgery. These are excerpts from my
yet unpublished book and as you will read, you will realise there is no
stretching or exaggeration of factual happenings. The names of the protagonists
have been changed to maintain their privacy and mainly to prevent them from
suing or physically assaulting me in the near future.
……The doctor that I went to for, what I will call
‘pin therapy’ is a wonderful doctor. He’s among the leading doctors for this
therapy in the world. He also spoke three words of Hindi taught to him by other
Indian clients (obviously he didn’t know the meaning of those words, otherwise
he would never use them, unless abusing your mom and sister was a part of his
therapy).
The thought of him sticking needles in my neck was
scary. But I need not have worried. He didn’t want to put needles in my neck,
instead he wanted to stick them in my private parts to fix my neck!
As you can imagine it was an extremely hurtful
prospect. I was shaken to the core of my being (not to mention, below it).
He was from the Far East and we didn’t understand
each other well. He kept repeating, “Take off your clothes, take off your
clothes”. So, I took off my shirt, but it didn’t seem to suffice. He continued
his chant regardless: ‘take off your clothes.”
Soon I was lying naked on his table and he had
these big, big pins in his hands. The rest is too graphic to describe. It was
the most humiliating and painful experience of my life.
Ordeal over, I came back marred by blue welts. The
only thing that had changed was that now the pain was between my legs and not
in my neck. I can tell you it distracted me enough to make me forget my
original complaint. Though once I recovered from the onslaught of the
pin-pricks, my neck pain resurfaced with a vengeance.
Now and then I think of the good doctor and my
upbringing tugs at my conscience. I never thanked him. Maybe I should have sent
him a note…in Hindi…just the three words that he had been taught!
……The ‘Energy Experts’ meanwhile, had decided that
the reason for my cervical disc prolapse was the direction in which I slept.
So the position of my bed had to be changed. Change
is good. Novelty is invigorating; it’s the spice of life. I like change. There
were a few problems that came up though. My plasma TV was affixed to the wall
keeping in mind the original position of my bed. Taking out those brackets from
the wall would have meant re-building it. So the TV stayed where it was and the
only way to can watch it was to somehow stand on my head. My bedside lamp shed
its light on my bathroom slippers instead of the book that I read in bed. The
bathroom door ended up where the TV should have been. Though I must admit, the
six episodes of the slightly swaying bathroom door, seemed more interesting
than some of the stuff we are subjected to on the idiot box.
The headrest hung inexplicably in mid air without a
bed to support it. If I could levitate 10 inches off the ground I might have
been able to rest my head on it.
My AC remote did nothing remotely anymore. It
needed to be directed towards the fridge to get the AC on. I guess the rays
would bounce off the shiny surface and find their way to the infra red sensor
on the AC. Strangely the rays did not follow the same reverse path and to
switch the damn thing off, I’d need to swing to the bottom of the bed and point
in random directions till I’d hear the AC stop breathing.
…I made a frantic call to my surgeon in England. I
told him I was coming over to his hospital in the next few days. He was very
concerned. He asked, “ Are you in pain’’. ‘No’, I replied, “ I am in my bath
tub trying to sleep, apparently this area has the best energies.” Hashtag #
Help!
...My friends requested me one last time to see
their Panditji before I left for England. They felt his prayers would help me.
I agreed because I believe in good wishes and good Karma. The Punditji looked
educated and very modern. He asked me about the procedure of the Cervical
surgery. I explained it to him in detail. He closed his eyes and said some
mantra. Then he looked at me with warm and peaceful eyes, and said, “Are you
sure they have to use a Titanium disc?” I said, “ Yeah, it’s the latest
invention and really cool.” He sighed, “ Look it is your Karma that you have to
undergo this surgery. You cannot escape it. But there is only one thing,
Titanium is not your element, can you ask the doctor to use Moonstone instead.”
...The surgery was less painful. It took about an
hour and a half. I was informed everything was excellent. As they say in our
films… “The operation is successful.”
What was humiliating was the hospital dress code.
I believe a patient in a gown means that he or she
is very ill and quite helpless. They need a lot of care and medical attention.
It is a sort of uniform that tells you the person wearing it, is deserving of
your sympathy and concern. No one expects a Stella McCartney, but at least...at
least it should not make you dissolve into a merciless giggle.
Picture a hobbling and helpless patient crossing
you, walking slowly away from you. You’re following him with your eyes, visibly
moved, at this point your gaze misses his helpless expression entirely and
lands unceremoniously on his butt. What purpose does this revealing and utterly
humiliating outfit serve? I ask ye all fine people of the medical profession.
Even when I had gone for my knee and ankle surgery
in Austria I was forced to wear this silly outfit. I could very well have been
in shorts or Bermudas and got my knee operated on. It’s not as if my butt needs
to be flashed for easy access to my knee. I think this aspect of clothing needs
to be relooked at by the Medical Faculty around the world.
It requires immediate, scientific attention.
As I said, the complete collapse of everyone else’s
attempts to cure me through their well meant suggestions, eventually lead me to
my spinal surgery. This of course did not deter them from claiming credit for
its success when I got home. The horseshoe nailed outside my room in my absence
had apparently cast its magic spell on the surgeon.
The ‘Energy Expert’ was convinced that his
switching my furniture around had filled the gap in my spine and my friends
swore by their Panditji’s imaginary Moonstone too. Maybe it was the Energy
Balancing, maybe it was the Surgery, or it could have been the shoeless horse;
who knows?
Perhaps faith and science are deeply
interconnected. Maybe we just don’t see the balance between them yet.
Everything science proves today, it disproves tomorrow and faith in an idea
often brings it to its empirical fruition. Superstition is the belief in a
supernatural causality, we cannot completely abandon it unless we fully
understand the complexity and vastness of nature.
I think it is safe to say that there are
uncountable things in this world that will always remain beyond our
understanding. Each of us chooses our own beliefs and lives by them and all of
us are limited by our own condition. The trick is to respect each and every
form of well meaning course of action, belief, superstition and still look up
to man’s quest for knowledge (the yearning for scientific discovery), to back
it up. That’s what I did.
I chose Titanium over the eeeww Moonstone and it
worked for me….TOUCHWOOD!!!
